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Dear Salty,

How do I get my man to get me what I really want for Christmas?
Every year I drop hints and when we go shopping I always make comments about what I like when we see it. But for some reason, he never gets it right.

One Christmas I talked about a cubic zirconium tennis bracelet I saw at Penney’s. What happens? The idiot got me an actual tennis racket. I didn’t talk to him for a week.

No matter how much I nag and complain about how bad he is about getting me what I want, he still gets me the wrong thing. Please Salty, tell me how I can make my man into the kind that gets me what I really want.

Hopefully Yours,

Disappointed in Oriental

Dear Disappointed,

Honey, you need to rein it in and quit blamin’ your poor old man. If you aren’t getting what you want from him, it’s nobody’s fault but yours.

First of all, gift-giving time is not the moment to nag, pout and turn into the Wicked Elf from the South. This is the time to remind your man how lucky he is to have you, so break out some new tricks and trashy lingerie to show him that Santa isn’t the only one that can put ho, ho, ho, into the holiday season.

Enough of that and diamonds will be in your future. It also helps to hang out with other couples where the woman treats her man like a dog. You will shine in comparison and won’t have to do a thing.

Men need really clear directions

Once you have him drooling and appreciatin’ how fabulous you really are, give him a freakin’ road map to the store of your choice with a picture and detailed description of what you what will make you extremely appreciative.

Do you really think he is listening to you as he follows you around the mall carrying your bags while you talk about how adorable that fuzzy fuchsia sweater would look on you? Let him know exactly what you want and if you must have a surprise, give him two or three road maps to your happiness to choose from. Of course Salty always gets everything she asks for, but I’ll save those secrets for next Christmas. Just remember, all the above work for birthdays and anniversaries too!

Ya know hun a little kitchen quicky can go a long way in getting the male appreciation going, so here’s an easy little tart that any easy little tart can whip up in a minute:

Salty’s Sweet and Hot Sausage Popper

Phyllo dough shells. Sometimes they think it’s spelled Fillo (they must have flunked Greek).

Get some of those phyllo dough shells from the freezer section of the grocery store (look around the pie shell area). Put a dollop of softened cream cheese in each shell and top that with some cooked and crumbled sausage that has been well drained. I prefer the hot kind of course but use whichever kind you like Top the sausage with a generous dab of pepper jelly and bake in a pre-heated 350 degree oven for a few minutes until heated through. Pop one in your man’s mouth and wait for the sounds that only you can get out of him!

Bless your little holiday heart!

Salty

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Ask Salty - reliable advice for your life. Salty is an experienced homemaker, licensed captain, and former dancer. Her hobbies include taxidermy and taking long walks on the beach. Contact Salty at salty@towndock.net