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Dear Salty,

My teeth. Are still clenched. From being at the movies. The other night. The movie looked great. But. I. Couldn’t. Hear. Much. Of it. Because. The….. person. Sitting Behind Me. Would not. Shut. Up.

She had something to say. For. Every. Single. Scene. And she did not whisper. “Shh.”-ing didn’t work.

Mercy, Salty, what can a person do?

Signed,

Miffed At Miss Oblivious

Dear Miffed,

Before I say anything more, can we just be clear about one thing? Was Chatty Cathy’s seat-mate blind? Bless her heart, could she have been doing a simultaneous translation for the visually impaired?

Okay. Just wanted to be sure.

I hear you, hon.

When the lights go low in a room, Salty doesn’t want a lot of chit chat. She wants what she came for. And sometimes, it’s a movie.

Salty also has had the misfortune to sit down in front of Miss Oblivious. It happens a lot more now than when Salty was a sweet young thing. What’s changed? Maybe this is the Netflix affliction. So many people watch movies at home that they forget how to behave when they go out to the cinema. It’s as if seeing that bigger screen at the theater sets off a switch in their head, and a voice tells them, “Bigger screen. Maybe I should talk louder, too.” I guess we should be thankful she wasn’t taking part in other couch potato pastimes like eating a tuna sandwich or smoking a cigar or clipping her nails.

Well, enough analysis on our loquacious national psyche. You ask what to do. I take it you have already considered, and then dismissed, the idea of reaching back and ripping out her tongue. I can give you three other ideas.

1.

The first one I call, “You Are Just SOOO Interesting”. Turn completely around in your seat – not just a bitsy turn of the head, but a full swivel — so you can look the chatterer right in the eye. Then, you’ll want to smile all big-like and in your most charming voice possible, say, “Would you be willing to write down all your thoughts? I don’t think I can possibly remember everything you are sharing with me right now and I really don’t want to miss a thing.” Crank up your earnestness (and add a deep Southern or British accent if you can). Make sure people ALL around you can hear. Trust me, other folks in the audience will appreciate your 9 second speech cos it’ll gain them quiet for the rest of the movie.

2.

“Put A Lid On It” Salty never goes to the theater without two things. One is a big hat. She deploys this when someone behind her gets too chatty. The taller the better. The Cat in the Hat hat is best.

3.

Finally, I’ll confess. In her darkest of blessed hearts, what Salty would most like to do in your situation is shake up a can of Pepsi — real good — and then give it the old Over The Shoulder opening to silence the beast. But her upbringing puts Salty above that. (As does the dry cleaning bill for her own clothes.) Still, strong measures are called for and that is why, for a Night At the Theater, Salty never leaves home without a whoopee cushion. When the chattering starts, take out the cushion and inflate it. Then tuck it under you, adjust your weight and let it rip. If that doesn’t shut her up then maybe you should buy yourself a Pepsi.

Bless your movie dialogue listenin’ heart,

Salty

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Ask Salty - reliable advice for your life. Salty is an experienced homemaker, licensed captain, and former dancer. Her hobbies include taxidermy and taking long walks on the beach. Need your question answered? Contact Salty at salty@towndock.net