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Dear Salty,

I hope you will refrain from using my real name here in the event you elect to publish my letter. I have never written a letter like this but i am here to ask for help. I want to meet a man who’s picture and an article was written about him on towndock.net late last fall. I read in the article the man’s name and where he was from but I’m too much of a suthern type lady to make that first contact without a go-between.

If I thought he would be back here for the regatta and providing someone would introduce me, then I would be willing to let fate take it’s course from there on…he just has such a winning smile and life is just so short that I have to take a chance. I would be just too embarrassed to contact him myself..in this day in time, folks he might think i’m just a crazy person…when in reality, i just wanna meet him.

Thank you,

“Cinderella”

Dear Cindy,

It’s hard to find a Knight in shining armor these days

Just how in the world did you know that I love to meddle in other people’s love life??? I am always happy to bring two people together, of course only if I personally don’t have a thing for the guy myself or if I’ve already dumped him.

Ahhh, romance conquers all.

Anyway- back to your white knight, I am so sorry to say that his charms have worked on another and at last report he had a steady. But take heart dear one and rest assured I will hound the editorial staff at Towndock to only run stories about available cute guys that I don’t want. And since I am feeling so generous- I will also provide to you, at no cost:

SALTY’S GUIDE TO CHOOSING A MAN IN ORIENTAL:

1. Check out his shoes. Shiny leather shoes with tassels within the Oriental town limits are clearly a sign of a wannabe and should be avoided at all costs.

Only Linwood can pull off this look

If you can’t see his toes via flip flops or acceptable sandals between the months of March through October, he is hiding a deep, dark past (possibly witness protection) or untreatable toe fungus. In either case, he should be approached with caution. And do I even have to mention socks with sandals???? If your name isn’t Linwood and you don’t list the Village Hardware on your W-2- don’t even go there. The Stowes are the only guys that can really make this look sexy – and just remember, they are making a personal fashion statement, NOT starting a new trend!

2. Check out his hands. I would never date a guy with white, puffy, marshmallow hands. Too creepy! If he doesn’t have at least one blood blister under a nail, two scratches, one gouge, and a patch of dried varnish somewhere amongst his digits, he isn’t doing his own boat work. And why is this so important you might ask?? Well clearly if he isn’t butchering himself fixing up his boat, he is spending all his money at boat repair places and he can’t afford to buy you all jewelry you so richly deserve. If he is missing a fingernail or two- you should ask for diamonds.

3. Conversation. If he talks about himself more than his boat, he is very self-centered and hasn’t figured out what is really important in life. You can rest assured the rest of his life’s priorities are screwed-up too. Do you think Eddie Jones would ever put himself before his boat?? Never!!! And he clearly has his life in tip top shape. Now I know that Eddie is happily married to the most patient woman on earth, but reasonable facsimilies are available in and around the greater Oriental area.

So see Cindy, if you use my valuable guide to weeding out the stinkers, you too can find true love (or what passes for it anyway) within the town of Oriental.

Bless your little TownDock readin’ heart,

Salty

P.S. Thanks to all the good folks that ratted out the mystery musician from last months column. I would love to tell you who he is, but I’m going to keep it to myself! He is just too yummy to share so you will just have to enjoy his music from afar. But, if he takes up the harmonica, all bets are off!!!

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Ask Salty - reliable advice for your life. Salty is an experienced homemaker, licensed captain, and former dancer. Her hobbies include taxidermy and taking long walks on the beach. Contact Salty at salty@towndock.net